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Wedding Jokes |
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It was a very warm day so Jack announced that he was going to sunbathe in the back garden. “I wonder what the neighbours would say if I sunbathed in the nude” he remarked to Jill “They would probably say I married you for your money” came the reply. |
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Two husbands were discussing marriage. One says, “I never knew the meaning of happiness until I got married. “Yes” replies the other one, “and then it’s too late”. |
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Jack was doing the lottery when Jill asked him, “What do you hope to win?”. “Two or three million pounds” came the reply. “What about all the begging letters?” “Oh, we’ll keep sending them”. |
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Wife: “When I married you I thought you were a brave man”. Husband: “So did all my friends.” |
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“You told me before we married that you were well-off,” complained the wife. “Yes, I know, but I didn't know how well-off I was” replied the husband. |
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“I can always tell when my husband is lying,” remarked a wife. “How can you tell” asked a friend. “His lips move”. |
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“Do you think my salary will be sufficient to keep you darling?” asked Jack. “Oh, I’ll try and make it do,” replied Jill, “But what about you?” |
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There are two periods in a man’s life when he never understands women – before he is married and afterwards. |
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“Jack, Jack, come quickly!” yelled Jill. “Mother is being attacked by a mad dog!” “Why should I care what happens to a mad dog?” shouted Jack. |
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As they returned from the party, Jill said to Jack “Do you realise what you did?” “No” replied Jack, “but I’ll admit I was wrong. What did I do?” |
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Jack says that Jill isn't a bad cook or anything, but he prays AFTER they eat. |
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“How’s the new car going, Jack?” “Fine, only it costs a lot to keep” “And how’s your wife?” “Just the same, thank you”. |
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Jack went to a mindreader and he only got charged half price, as there was so little to read. |
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“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my wife” said the first drunk, “And there’s nothing she wouldn’t do for me. And that’s how we go through life – doing nothing for each other. |
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What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes. |
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“I’ve been travelling backwards on the train for the last two hours” said Jack “and I hated it”. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting opposite to change seats with you” asked Jill. “I couldn’t” says Jack “ there wasn’t anyone sitting there”. |
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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know - it's never happened. |
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Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds ? Because most men are stupid but few are blind. |
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Jill‘s wedding day was approaching, when her mum pointed out that “the whole day could be ruined if we overlooked some insignificant little detail”. “Don’t worry” said Jill “I’ll make sure he gets there” |
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“The man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man” said the minister in his sermon, “but he who gives in when he is right is……” “Married” interrupted a voice from the congregation. |
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The honeymoon will be over when Jack stops helping with the dishes – and does them himself. |
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Jill was crying because she had cooked a special dinner and the dog ate it. “Not to worry” says Jack “We’ll get another dog”. |
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What do you call two spiders who just got married? Newlywebs. |
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A rhetorical question only a married man can appreciate: If a man stands alone in the forest, and there are no women around to hear him speak, is he still WRONG? |
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Do you know whatever happened to the couple who met in the revolving door? I think they're still going around together. |
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Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? They got married in the spring. |
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. |
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What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'm gonna give these two a lift. |
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Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party where the cake came out of the girl? |
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A bum asks a Jack for £2. Jack asks the bum, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No.", "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then Jack asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" |
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Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. |
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Do not marry a person that you know you can live with, only marry someone that you cannot live without. |
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Boring Husband: ‘Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored Wife: ‘Because I married the wrong man!’ |
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First Guy: ‘My wife’s an angel!’ Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’ |
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Did you hear the one about the bachelor who put on a clean pair of socks every day? At the end of the week he couldn’t get his shoes on. |
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"Oh, my darling, am I the first man to make love to you"? "Of course you are, why do men always ask such a stupid question". |